Starting

In about 5 months all this will end. I am terribly hoping, praying and wishing that it will be a good end.

If someone will ask me right now what I fear the most, I will finally be able to give an answer. Not that I don't have anything to fear before, its just that this time this fear is overflowing in the surface and growing day by day in exponential phase.

I fear REGRET.

I am afraid to look back to my life and find that all those years of hardships, sorrow, desperation, alienation and many more is worth nothing. I am so afraid that the laughter, friendship and victories were all false ones. I am so damn afraid to have never felt love at all and never love at all.

I am afraid that I've become what I FEAR.

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If someone asks me again if there are things that I regret doing, I can immediately answer that I do and you know why? It’s because regret is like death, inevitable. It’s learning things the hardest way. Its knowing life in its most bitter form. Its acceptance of the painful reality even though your system vomits it (every damn minute).

More than that, it’s a challenge to differ. To let not history repeat itself.

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My fear is unresolved no matter how I rationalize its significance.

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My ears is currently glued to Moonstar 88 (Popcorn)
I'm catching my breath after a DVD marthon. (Lost, Heroes, Jericho, It started with a kiss... name it huh!)
* Where are you now.

Was

How long would it take to forget someone or something? Four months, four years, four decades?

I can't remmber the both of you, anymore.
I just knew there was something, something different, something good and something painful.
But all of those were merely objective fragments of my memory. A dictate of hippocampus. A pronounced fact of the past.

I dont know who you are. Why I felt that way and why it faded away.
Selective retrograde amnesia. There are people who unconciously forget things (and others attached to it) in order to regain themselves and build continuity. It can be a total loss of previous memories but in some cases certain parts are selectively deleted.
Feedback mechanism for self preservation.

I don't know really. I'm just wondering....